Telling your partner that a move they think is super sexy just isn’t working for you isn’t the easiest conversation to have. While physical intimacy is not always emotional intimacy, you can easily hurt your partner’s ego or feelings if you say the wrong thing during sex. Maybe you’d like to try something new between the sheets, or you would like them to stop doing that thing they think is really cool but turns you off. There are ways to have that conversation and we will list them here.
Side note: Remember it goes both ways. There may be things you are doing that they hate but can’t tell you or something they want you to do that you’re not.
1. WHEN YOU WANT THEM TO BE MORE OR LESS ADVENTUROUS
If you’re the type of person who has a new sex position list every week, but your partner likes to stick with old moves, sex may get quickly boring for you and unsatisfying. On the other hand, you may the type who doesn’t care much for a new position every five (5) minutes, and sex with an adventurous partner can quickly become a chore for you and leave you irritable.
How to talk about this: Have the conversation before you jump in bed. Talk about the last sex you had and want felt good about it and what didn’t. If you want new moves, it is best to talk about it before your clothes come off, so you don’t run the risk of catching them unawares. Also, for less moves in bed, praise THAT one move they do to you that works for you all the time. Let them know its the magic trick. Start with, “There’s this one thing you do to me that I love so much..”
2. WHEN YOU DON’T ACHIEVE ORGASM WITH THEM
Orgasms are the one thing you can’t fake till you make it. The longer you fake an orgasm during sex, the less likely you’re going to get one. Sometimes, it is hard to have THIS conversation with a partner with an ego, especially if you have faked it with them for a long time.
How to talk about this: Start with doing your own homework. Find the moves that make your orgasm. You can do this by flying solo with a vibrator or your hands. Do you need more time on your breasts, neck, ears etc? Do you need more oral? Do you need more speed or less of it? Finding out what works for you is the first step in communicating that to your partner.
When you know what works for you, don’t start the conversation with the many times they missed the mark. Start with, ” There’s this thing that will make me go really wild for you,..” or something close to that. Just keep in mind that no matter which way your conversation leans, it would be best to avoid mentioning all the time you faked it.
3. WHEN YOU WANT THEM TO STOP SOMETHING
Telling you partner that a particular move they’ve been doing to you really puts you off can put you in an awkward place. Many people just tend to endure it and gradually begin to dread having sex with their partner. This is a bad idea in many ways, one of which is SEX SHOULD NEVER BE OFF THE TABLE unless you both agree to it.
How to talk about this: To get them to stop something, start with “When you are doing A, and then you start doing B, I don’t know how to tell you to stop and go back to A because A just feels really good for me” and example is, “When you are sucking on my clit, but then you stop to use your teeth, I just want to tell you to go back to sucking my clit because it feels really good for me”
Most people learnt their sex moves from watching porn or reading erotica. The problem with this, porn teaches only the basics and most of that don’t apply to every person you meet. Your partner will try out the basics he or she has learnt and maybe some of the things that has worked in the past with their exes. It is up to introduce the things that work for you into your sex life by telling them exactly what you need in bed.