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Dear Mahogany,
I just got into a relationship five months ago, he is a great guy, nice and caring. But, during sex I find myself fantasizing about my ex. I love my boyfriend but I can’t help it. I had so many firsts with my ex and I find myself thinking about it when I’m with my boyfriend, especially during sex.
My boyfriend thinks I have sex with him, but i feel like its still sex with my ex. I don’t want my ex-boyfriend back because he was an asshole and I love someone else but I can’t get over all the firsts I had with him. It’s difficult opening up to someone sexually again, but i want my relationship with my boyfriend to work out. What do i do?
Salma 26.

Dear Salma,
Thanks for writing to us. The truth is that almost everyone at one point in their lives have fantasized about being with another person sexually. It may be a celebrity crush, that hot neighbor that just moved in or even your colleague at work. Having sexual fantasies are completely normal even when you are in a relationship. It is advisable also for men who have erectile issues or women who have problems having an orgasm to create a fantasy during sex of persons who can excite them sexually.
However, it is safe to know where to draw the line. Fantasizing about a particular person regularly during sex may is not healthy for your relationship. There are different reasons for fantasizing over a particular person during sex; sometimes it may be a deep feeling of lust, a growing attraction or in your case a feeling of sexual bondage because you can’t get over the firsts with your ex. It may be difficult to let go of that ex in your head especially with the numerous firsts you have of him. Your first orgasm, your first squirt, first anal, first bdsm experience etc. and it feels like you wouldn’t have that experience with anyone again and you are scared to let go and allow yourself enjoy the beauty of your new relationship.
Your ex might have opened your eyes to a deeper meaning of pleasure but you can never tell the depths to pleasure you may have never get to explore if you allow yourself to stay trapped in fantasizes of someone you have grown to dislike over time. To completely get over the fantasies, you should try the following;
• Open up to him sexually. Don’t hold back with your partner during sex, open up to him, allow him take the lead and give yourself to him.
• Imagine yourself on a voyage to sexual freedom with your boyfriend as your tour guide and let go of the unwanted baggage from your past. Receive this new gift of love from your lover.
• Understand that you are a sexual goddess. The amount of pleasure from your previous relationship may not have been possible if you didn’t allow yourself own your sexuality as the goddess that you are. Remember that your body holds the key to your own pleasure, don’t be scared to use it.
• Trust your new partner sexually, initiate foreplay and explore your intimacy.
You hold the key to your own happiness.
Love,
Mahogany.

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