Dear Mahogany,

My husband has stopped having sex with me for 4 months now. Part of me thinks he is having an affair, another part of me thinks it’s because I just recently had a baby and my body has changed big time.

Every time I make an attempt to do something nice to set the mood, he reminds of some important family duty or just waves it off. I have even gone the extra mile of dressing up in really ridiculous but sexy lingerie to bed every night.

What am I doing wrong? I’ve heard of couples who live in a sexless  marriage for the rest of their lives and I really don’t want that to be me.  Please help

-Anonymous


Dear Anonymous,

I can understand your worry, because it is valid. Sex is one of the things that can easily be swept under the rug when marriages begin to deepen. Work, family and other issues quickly get in the way and sex begins to seem unimportant and the romance quickly fades.

To help you understand what is happening, first you should consider the reasons why your husband no long wants sex with you

  1. He is pressured by the responsibility of supporting a family. It is popular beief tat a woman is born ready to start a family and  a man is not. While this might not be true, the bliss of the wedding ceremony can blind you from the harsh realities of married life.
  2. He misses the spontaneity of sex. If you had a long courtship with your husband, you must know some of his sexual habits by now. Does he miss quickies? Does he prefer sex unplanned? A lot of men are driven b the thrill more than the act of sex itself. Unlike women, men’s desire precede arousal.
  3. He stopped seeing you as sexual. This happens more times than men will admit to their wives. Some men lose complete sexual interest in their wives after they become moms. Some lose sexual excitement after a few months of  marriage.

Much as none of these possible reasons is your fault, it is partly up to you to bring sex back into your marriage.

  1. Have a conversation about it. Starting a conversation about sex should not be something too hard for a married couple. If it is for you, start from casual talk. Brush the topic by talking about things that reminded you of sex with him, things that turn you on during the day, etc
  2. When you open up that discussion, you can restart your sex life with these few suggestions in this article  or any other tips form this category 

Remember to exercise patience and work with tenderness with him. When the issue of sex is brought up with a man, for him it is the same as questioning his masculinity. And we know those things should be handled with care.

Love, 

Mahogany


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